Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
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The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.