Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
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I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
#growingpains
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth