Is Dutch some sort of clown language
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[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
i choose….tongue
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*