Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
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My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Meme Monday.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.