Is fake venison called venisn’t
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days