Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
You Might Also Like
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Every work call, he judges.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
never compromise your values
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.