How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Is fructose made with real fruct?
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.