@BucMarvin
@Tmoney68 How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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@Tmoney68 
@MomofTeen Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
@mommajessiec My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
@thenoahkinsey SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
@jojipaints If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
@scootertheworst asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
@gneicco Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
@bruinsphan_24 *jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
@PAT_E_ROCK The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
@panmidwest Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.