@BucMarvin

Is fructose made with real fruct?

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@Tmoney68

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

@MomofTeen

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

@mommajessiec

My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@jojipaints

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

@scootertheworst

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@bruinsphan_24

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

@PAT_E_ROCK

The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.

@panmidwest

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.