Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
You Might Also Like
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.