Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.