is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
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*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*