is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.


I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there


a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion


WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.



thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime


*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.


2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns


God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.