is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
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Hotels are back
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
“We will wed,” I threatened
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2