Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.