is it earth
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
This hospital has everything
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story