is it earth
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
opening twitter today
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?