Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos