Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
You Might Also Like
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over