Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔

I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.

Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.

I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.

How my 7 year old plays board games:

Rolls a 6.

Counts to 6.

Moves his piece wherever he wants.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

me: I heard this cemetery was haunted

caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them

COP: yes but please don’t cup my face

I often wonder who Pete is…

and why we do things for his sake…

Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0

Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.