@Marlebean

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

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@DocAtCDI

for all you non-native English speakers out there

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

and

“read” is pronounced like “lead”

@nigelgodwin

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

@KeetPotato

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

@iwearaonesie

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

@SharpeBytes

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

@SLNerf_Herder

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@AngelaEhh

People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.

I like to call those people liars.

@MauriceBlitz

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”