Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
You Might Also Like
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick