Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
You Might Also Like
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN