Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“No way.” -Jose
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I beg your pardon?
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.