Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !