Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
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It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”