@BlairLoudly

Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.

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@BuckyIsotope

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

@DanMentos

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

@broccobamali

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

@EndhooS

I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.

@rachelle_mandik

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

@freypalm

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.

@TheBoydP

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

@Lottie_Poppie

My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later