is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Thoughts
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*