Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
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I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
yes… yes…
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Hank is one in a melon.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?