is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
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My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Phonetics
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”