@SassyChantelle

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.

@Fickle_Filly

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

@IHPower

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

@Book_Krazy

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

@Try2StopME

Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.

Temple Run is a really motivating game.

@DevilryFun

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.

@antsimpson

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

@LostFelicia

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

@djdarrellripley

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.