Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Bill is short for Billiam
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?