Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

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My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating


Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*


Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.


Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.


If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.


“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”


Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy


The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.