Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
My dog ate my work from home.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*