@SwanieChicken

Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.

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@MelvinofYork

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

@Dirtmill

Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*

@noog

Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.

@heytherejeffro

Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.

@frankzulla

If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.

@wildethingy

“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”

@Matt_The_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@Kyle_Lippert

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.