My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
me after eating Cheetos
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.