Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
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Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.