Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
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Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
🙀🙀🙀😹
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror