Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.