Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!