Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
True
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.