Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*

Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup

Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?

Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

Breaking news:

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.