Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
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I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My Sentiments Exactly
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆