is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.