Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*


HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.


[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.


Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?


COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?


@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers


Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears


I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.


My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.


i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone