Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

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Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine

7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you


Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now


With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.


It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer


“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”


I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.


him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.


I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work


Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.