Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
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You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
This is not me but this is me
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere