@bjaynash

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

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@Fred_Delicious

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@EndhooS

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

@XplodingUnicorn

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

@batkaren

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

@Zhanny001

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

@NinjaSweatpants

Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears

@mc_funbags

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

@MamaNeedsACoke

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

@alexgmurd

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone