Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
🌱🌱🌱
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus