Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
I am a gravy boat captain
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.