Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
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why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Swedish for common sense.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
How do dragons blow out candles?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.