Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
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Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Extremely relatable.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
This is not me but this is me
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny