Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Boom, boom, ching!
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.