Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.