Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

Plant care tips

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday

“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”

“He was putting on airs”.

damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.

Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.