is nasa ok
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“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or