is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
i smell a pulitzer
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
lmao
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.