Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
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Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Not all heroes wear capes…
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Rich people don’t understand cereal