Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Thinking about Jeff
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*