Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
cat faces on other animals, a thread
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
A new level of troll.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?