“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.