@marcusparkersol

Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?

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@AndyRichter

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

@KevinFarzad

Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.

@karanbirtinna

Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.

Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?

@myonlymizztake

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

@lethargyboy

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

@Zhanny001

@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers

@TheSofiya

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

@KattsDogma

[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*

@KyleMcDowell86

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

@gringothespice

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.