Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
You Might Also Like
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit