Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
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As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Body by cheese-puffs.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong