“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.