Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Meow
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!