Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.